Hillary Clinton’s “3am phone call” ad has been on my mind all morning. What follows is The Yeoman Farmer December 8th version of that ad. I’ll leave it to my readers to determine how good of an advertisement this is for “buying that idyllic little place in the country”:
It’s 4:06am and Mrs Yeoman Farmer and the Yeoman Farm Children are safe and asleep. But there’s a Border Collie in the barn with the livestock, and he’s barking. The Yeoman Farmer awakens, and listens. It’s just the normal “Hey, I think I might have heard something” bark, so TYF rolls over and tries to go back to sleep.
Two minutes later, the bark changes to one of challenge and alarm. TYF is now wide awake, and thinking too hard about the barn to go back to sleep any time soon. He throws on some clothes, loads a .45 auto pistol, finds the high-powered flashlight (grateful he remembered to fully charge it last week), and heads to the barn to investigate.
Heaving open the half-frozen barn door, TYF is immediately met by a wriggling and energetic border collie. He braces himself, then flips on the lights and gives the barn a quick scan. And sees…nothing but livestock and barn cats. Pistol in one hand, and pistol-grip flashlight in the other, he investigates the deepest darkest corners and rafters of the barn. And sees…nothing. Followed by the dog, he circles the barn and illuminates the surrounding fields. Whatever had been in or around the barn seems to have vanished into the frozen winter air.
The livestock had seemed hungry, so he stashes the pistol and the flashlight in a car, then returns to the barn to get an early start on morning chores. He brings a couple of bales down from the hayloft for the sheep and the goats, smashes the ice on their water tanks, and puts some grain out for the chickens and ducks. He then pets the dog, tells him he’s a good boy, secures the barn, and returns to the house.
Pistol and flashlight are unloaded and checked and put away. The Yeoman Farmer undresses and crawls back into bed. As he tries to get sleepy, he remembers that December 8th is a Holy Day of Obligation, and Mass isn’t until the evening. And the kids will be sleeping in because they get the day off of school. With the animals all fed and safe and happy, and a light day at work, TYF decides he will sleep in, too.
And ignore any additional barking the border collie might feel like doing. Because it’s now 4:30am, and all the Yeoman Farm Children are still safe and asleep. Does anyone really want to go back out to that frozen barn again before daybreak?